Before I came to Oxford Street, I was a good person, I was a happy person.
- Right, just going to do a bit of shopping.
- Flagship Topshop, you are the only reason I am here.
- Maybe it won’t be as busy as it normally is.
- Maybe pigs will actually fly someday.
- Fuck, there are so many people here.
- Argh, that bloody waffle stand.
- God I want a waffle.
- THAT. SMELL. WHYYY.
- Need to cross over to meet Jane at Topshop.
- I don’t understand this crossing system.
- You can walk from one end to another diagonally.
- Feels wrong.
- Feel so exposed.
- Quick, run back before I die.
- SHIT, AM I GOING TO DIE?
Neither man nor child know what the fuck is going on here.
- Or the buses and bloody rickshaw drivers.
- Dangerous place, Oxford Street.
- People have been trampled by the masses of confused, slow-walking tourists here for sure.
- And by people on their way to Primark to buy new clothes because they can’t be bothered to wash the ones they already have.
- Why do people stop in the middle of the pavement when they are lost?
- BE LOST ON ONE SIDE OF THE PAVEMENT.
- Just look at them, chatting without a care in the world while I try to manoeuvre around them carefully like I’m in some sort of fucking spy film.
- You have to be a bloody ninja around here if you want to get anything done.
- It just so happens though, that I am one.
- YOU CAN’T STOP ME tourist-dad-with-bumbag.
- DON’T MIND ME group-of-Spanish-kids-blocking-the-entrance-to-Mango-like-you-own -it-even-though-you-probably-do.
EXCUSE ME WHILE I SHOVE YOU OUT THE WAY slow-walking-couple-who-don’t-realise-Oxford-Street is-not-the-place-for-a-romantic-stroll.
If everyone just understood proper London etiquette it would save a lot of people from stabbing themselves in the eyes.
- There are only two types of people here: miserable gits or the absolutely clueless.
- Although the Hare Krishnas are on another level, they literally give zero fucks.
- And the man outside the tube station who wants everyone to find Jesus.
- I guess this place is ungodly.
- WE ALL NEED SAVING.
- The whole world is waiting outside Topshop, must be everyone’s meeting place.
- God knows you can’t wait by the waffle stand.
- Because then your mate will turn up and you’ll be all like “Oh hey, bought us some waffles but I ate mine and then I ate yours after”.
And you will never be friends again.
- She looks like she was happy once.
- Someone’s just barged right into her.
- She is absolutely not fazed.
- Oxford Street will do that to you.
- Hardens you, I always say.
- Jane wants to go to Primark.
- This is where I leave you Jane.
- Good seeing you for all of 50 seconds Jane.
- Just going to buy myself something I don’t need as a treat for this already hideous day.
- Then I’m going home, only so much time you can stand in this place before you have a breakdown and start calling everyone a cunt.
- Although really can’t face the thought of the station.
- It’s like a painfully slow march towards your own death.
- Why is this horrendous queue into the station a photo op?
- DO NOT PHOTOGRAPH OUR PAIN.
- Just photobombed some guy’s selfie with my thoroughly disgusted face.
- Oxford Street really is the worst thing about London.
- Well, except maybe Leicester Square.
- If Oxford Street gets an M&M’s store that is IT London, I’m giving up on you.
Article by: Remee Patel BuzzFeed