1. How to say Holborn.
2. How to say Marylebone.
3. Exactly how much a tube journey actually costs.
4. Or exactly when peak hours are.
5. How you’ve never met anyone who has ever been to an Angus Steak House, and yet it continues to exist.
6. Why Infernos has a carpet.
7. Why is it that you know that Infernos has a carpet, because it’s truly a hell like no other.
8. (Except perhaps The Swan.)
9. Where the quiet pubs are after work on a Friday.
10. Same goes for good beer gardens.
11. Why people would queue for an hour to eat their dinner.
12. Whether the Waterloo & City line is actually real.
13. Which exit to use at Elephant and Castle.
14. What to do when Citymapper is down.
15. If you’ll ever be able to buy a house.
- Why your friend who lives in a really nice part of town pays less council tax than you, and you live in a shithole.
17. Why the Circle line is called the Circle line when it’s clearly not a circle.
- Why anyone would choose not to sit at the front of the DLR.
19. How to get to Battersea.
- Why the District line drivers can’t fucking step on it once in a while.
21. Why someone will stand on the left when a hundred people below them are obviously standing on the right.
- If Euston Square tube station has ever been used by a human being.
23. Why you can only buy a pasty in a train station.
- How you can be in the middle of central London and not have any phone signal.
25. How to deal with the fact that you can be FREEZING, and then get on the tube and be sweating immediately.
- Where really is up-and-coming .
27. Where the best Chicken Cottage is.
- (This is a trick question, they are all perfect.)
29. And come to think of it, has anyone ever seen a Chicken Cottage close?
30. Where all the cool kids go these days if Dalston is lame now.
31. How many floors the Oxford Street Topshop actually has.
- Or does it just go on and on forever?
33. How estate agents sleep at night.
- Why there is always a group of Spanish children on the tube at rush hour.
35. If you know loads of nice/normal people who use Tinder, where are all the nice/normal people on Tinder?!
- Whether the curry houses on Brick Lane are actually good or whether there are just a lot of them.
37. If so, which ones the good ones are.
- What the TfL trams look like.
39. How buskers on the South Bank get away with wearing a chicken suit and asking for your money.
- Why there are buttons to close the doors on the tube when they don’t do anything.
41. And how there are people who get the train EVERY SINGLE DAY who still haven’t realised that these buttons don’t do anything.
42. Why it’s so hard to ask someone out on the tube.
43. Or in a bar.
- Or, well, anywhere.
45. No YOU have self-confidence issues.
- Why people think it’s so dangerous.
47. Yes, by people I mean your mum.
- Lol, “your mum”.
49. Why you don’t move somewhere where you could actually afford to buy a house before you’re 55.
- Why the Bakerloo line is always so eerily quiet.
51. Why the Thames is quite that brown.
- How to get a seat in Gordon’s wine bar.
53. What happens if you need the loo halfway around the London Eye.
- Why they didn’t bother finishing the top of the Shard.
55. If Cockfosters is a real place or whether they just made it up to give you something to smile about on the tube.
- Who the fuck actually goes to the Trocadero.
57. Likewise, Ripley’s Believe It or Not.
- And M&M World.
59. Basically, why does Piccadilly Circus exist?
- If anyone has ever gone to Morden intentionally or whether it’s just drunk people who fell asleep on the last tube.
61. How the Central line can get quite that hot.
- Why you’re here.
63. Why you’d ever leave.
- And finally, whether those fucking engineering works at London Bridge will ever be finished.
Article by: Robin Edds